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My biggest failure.

It’s been a crazy few weeks. We celebrated Monkey turning 9, started 4th grade, and did our end of the summer purge.

I don’t have a lot of clothes. After I gained 48 pounds in a year, almost nothing fit. I’ve slowly gotten some clothes that fit, but mainly they are Yoga pants, stretchy capris, and active wear. Why? Because I don’t find Denim comfortable at my size.

Recently Lane Bryant had a massive sale. Buy two get two on Bras, and BOGO on clearance. I ended up getting two pairs of denim capris for the price of one on sale pair. Sweet right? Yeah it was, until I realized I had to get a size 22.

It was so disheartening that even after I’ve lost 15 pounds, and changed everything about my lifestyle I still wore a size 22. I may have cried in the shower that night. No I really did cry in the shower. I felt defeated. It was like how is it that I’ve made all these changes, and have seen progress on the scale, but my pant size hasn’t changed.

My ever loving husband told me I was beautiful and he could notice small changes, but it didn’t help my damn mind stop. I broke. I ripped myself apart and because of two little numbers on a pair of capris had torn my self confidence to bits.

Yes it does seem a bit dramatic doesn’t it? That was a dark day for me. To be truthful that last week I started doing some of my old habits, I didn’t care. I somehow fell back into the mentality of “it doesn’t matter what I do, my body will always be this way.”

After a week of crap, and bad habits I was exhausted. I had zero energy. I just wanted to sleep. I had no energy to even do a work out. I considered stopping my blog. I felt like a failure.

After my week long cycle of self loathing and pity. I decided to do something I’ve not done before. I went back and re-read all of my blog posts up to now. Reading my own story, brought back emotions and memories that I didn’t realize meant the world to me. I made myself realize I am worth it. I had a bad week, but that does not define my journey. I need to handle setbacks better in the future but for now I’m back on track. I’ve had the biggest caffeine headache from the lack of Pop the last two days, but this too shall pass.

One setback shouldn’t break my journey. Damnit I am NOT going to let it.

To my mind: You almost sabotaged me you little jerkwad. But you will not win.

If anything I was reminded One setback does not define your journey, how you react to it does.

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